When the host answered the door, he found a guy with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation" said the man. "I just came in my pants."
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad!
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say,
"My name is Bob, and i'm an alcoholic."
One day, a Bolton fan was walking along the beach and came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared. "For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie.
The man was ecstatic. "But there's a catch," the Genie continued. "What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously. The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes, every Blackburn supporter in the world will receive double what you asked for." "Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.
"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie. "Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!" Poof ! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "Now, every Blackburn fan in the world has been given two Ferrari's," said the Genie. "What is your next wish?" "I could really use a million dollars..." replied the man, and Poof! One million dollars appeared at his feet.
"Now, every Blackburn fan in the world is two million dollars richer," the Genie reminded the man. "Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the Bolton fan. "And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie. The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."
Husband comes home from work with a duck under his arm and declares,
"This is the pig i've been shagging". Wife says, "Thats a duck".
He says, "I was talking to the duck."
David Beckham's in the England dressing room after a recent international match and Gary Neville says to him.
"Isn't it Victoria's birthday next week David?"
"Yes! says David,"
"What have you bought her then?" says Neville.
"Well I have managed to get two seven foot doormen," says Dave.
"Why two seven foot doormen?" asks Neville.
"Well I overheard Micheal Owen talking to Woody (Jonathan Woodgate) in the Real Madrid dressing room a few weeks ago, and Michael said to Woody",
"Dave's wife Victoria is a lovely girl and has a great figure, but all she's short of is a big pair of Bouncers"
A Man City and Man United fan collide in a huge accident on the motorway. Both cars are a wreck, but both men are unhurt.
"This must be a sign from God that we are meant to be friends" says the City fan "I agree" replies the United fan
The City fan then returns to the wreckage of his car, and finds a bottle of whiskey he had been saving.
"Look" he says to the united fan, "this must be another sign from God, we should drink this whiskey to celebrate our friendship and survival"
He hands the bottle over to the United fan who takes a large gulp from the bottle before passing it back to the City fan, who then puts the top back on & returns the bottle to his car.
"Aren't you having any?" asks the United fan. "No" replied the City fan, "I think I’ll wait til the Police get here."
One day at the Man United training ground, and an hour before they are due to finish, Sir Angry Ferguson says "Lads, I’m gonna have to leave an hour early. Just carry on training and I’ll see you tomorrow." So they carry on and leave at the normal time.
The next day, Sir Alex says, "sorry again lads, but I’m gonna have to leave an hour early again. A spot of private business to attend to." When he's gone, Roy Keane says, "forget this, if he's going then I am too," and he takes off.
The next day, the same happens. "Sorry lads, gonna have to leave early again." So Keane says, "Come on lads, lets all go home, he'll not know". So they all went home.
When Phil Neville got back to his house, he saw the gaffer's car on the drive. So he quietly opened the door, sneaked upstairs and peeped through the bedroom door, only to be shocked by the sight of Ferguson making love to his wife.
Rather stunned, Neville left the house and goes for a walk. When he noticed the car had gone, he went back into the house.
The following day at training, Sir Alex says, "Gotta go again lads, sorry. Some private stuff to attend to." Once again, Keane says, "Come on lads, lets all go home again."
To which Neville replies, "forget that, I almost got caught yesterday!"
Q: If you see a Liverpool Fan on a bike, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bike...
Q: What have Blackburn Rovers and a three pin plug got in common?
A: Their both absolutely useless in Europe.
Little Jimmy was having tea with his auntie. 'Now what do you do on Saturday afternoons?' she asked.
'I go to the football match,' replied the child.
'And what do you do on Sunday afternoons?'
'I go to Sunday School.'
'And which do you like best?'
'There's not much to choose between them, really,' said the boy. 'At Sunday School they tell me to stand up for Jesus' sake and at the football match they tell me to sit down for God's sake!'
Blackburn Rovers are apparently under investigation by the Inland Revenue for tax evasion;
They've been claiming for Silver Polish for the past 20 years.
Brian Kidd was spotted in a Supermarket yesterday. On noticing an old woman struggling with five bags of shopping, Kidd asked her "Can you manage dear?"
The old woman replied "Get lost!, you got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it out!
Gazza : Wahey Boss! ken that jiggisaw puzzle I wiz doing? Yeel never guess - I've finished it and only took me 6 months!
Walter Smith : Well, what's so good about 6 months???
Gazza : Like it says Gaffer - on the box it said '3 to 6 years'
A Blackburn supporter goes to his doctor to find out what's wrong with him.
"Your problem is you're fat, "says the doctor.
"I'd like a second opinion" responds the man.
"OK, you're ugly too" replies the doctor.
Q: What's the difference between a Liverpool fan and a broken clock?
A: Even a broken clock is right twice a day!
A nurse at Birmingham General Infirmary told an industrial tribunal how she tried to stop a fight between a patient and a doctor which resulted in the doctor being sacked from the hospital.
The fight broke out in August of last year when Dr Cage told a cancer victim he had some good news and some bad news.
"The bad news is you're going to die"
"And the good news ?" asked the downcast patient
"We beat the scum 2-1!"
A white van driver used to keep himself amused by scaring witless every Glasgow Rangers fan he saw sauntering down High common road in his blue and white uniform. He would swerve as if to hit them, and at the last minute, swerve back onto the road.
One day as he was driving along the road, he saw a priest hitch-hiking. He thought he would do his good deed for the day and offer the priest a lift.
"Where are you off tae, Father?" he asked.
"I'm going to give Mass at St Michaels's church - it's aboot 2 miles down the road,".
"Nae worries," said the driver, "Hop in and I'll gee ya a lift."
The happy priest climbed into the van and they set off down the road. Suddenly the driver caught site of a Hun on the pavement, and instinctively swerved as if to hit him, but just in time, remembering the priest in his van, swerved back to the road again, narrowly missing the idiot. Although he was certain that he didn't hit him, however, he still heard a loud "Thud". Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors, and, seeing nothing, said to the priest, "Oh sorry Father, I nearly hit that Rangers Fan walking down the road there."
"No need to apologise Sonny," replied Father, "I got the ba$tard with the door!"
Alex Ferguson and Joe Royle are having and end of season radio interview and the interviewer asks Joe, 'What are your aims for the next 5 years?'. 'Well I think we should try to consolidate for a year or two, and them aim towards building a push for the premiership', Replies Joe.
The interviewer then turns to Alex, 'What about you at United?'. 'Well I want to win the double 5 years on the bounce, win Europe 5 years on the bounce and basically never lose a game for 5 years', replies Alex. 'Aren't you being a bit over the top?' Asks the interviewer, and Alex replies 'Yeah well he started it.'
What's the difference between potentially and realistically?
"When a young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?
"The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." "Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We
could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a
great University!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I
LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?! "
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how
much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million
Dollars..............but Realistically,......... we're living with two Sluts
and a gay.
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!" The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your Mother-in-Law to death with a spanner." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You ****ing b*stard"!!!
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"
"Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a ***ing spanner, he said he didn't have one! "
Paddy Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the morgue needed someone to identify the body.
His two best friends, Paddy Englishman & Paddy Scotsman, were sent for. Paddy Scotsman went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Paddy Scotsman said " Yep, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over. He looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy" .
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Paddy Englishman in to identify the body. Paddy Englishman took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Paddy Englishman looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy".
The mortician asked "How can you tell?" Paddy Englishman said, "Well, Paddy had two *rseholes." "What............., he had two *rseholes??? said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two *rseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes...."
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.
After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands.
Finally, president looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
A man walks into the Bank Of Ireland and shouts to the Woman at the counter:
"I want to open a f*cking Current account".
The Astonished woman replies "I beg your pardon sir. I must have misunderstood you; what did you say?"
"Listen up, you f*ck. I said I want to open a f*cking current account now!!".
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank".
The cashier leaves the counter and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the man,
"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no f*cking problem" the man says. "I just won 10 Million Euro in the f*cking lotto and I just want to open a f*cking current account, you b*stard, is that okay?"
"I see," says the manager, "and is this fat b*tch giving you a hard time?
Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift.
He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
"R hey lad" they say "gissa lift". The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.
By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding.
The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies 'Scouse Eggs'
The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and panicking quickly shuts it and locks it.
He runs to his car and gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the f****** have managed to nick a motorbike already".